i'm resigned
Feb 20, 2006 06:38 PM
posted by ben
"Isn't it amazing to know that God is in control no matter what." That's what we, as Christians, say to make ourselves feel better when we have absolutely no idea what the heck is going on around us, when nothing makes sense, when our world gets rocked and our way of living challenged. So that's where I am...God is in control. It's a good thing, too because I sure don't feel like carrying that responsibility - having it all together, knowing what to do when I don't know what to do.
I'm a pretty open person, I embrace change, even look forward to it, which bodes well for times like these. There are some changes happening right now that probably started a while ago but, like molten lava, is taking its time to surface. This change has to do with my career but I think even more to do with my soul. I'm, for the first time in a long time, considering that I may be in the wrong profession. I've been in music ministry for quite a few years now and had always assumed that this is where God wanted me to be. I'm a musician and a Christian so it follows that dot dot dot (for some reason it seemed more appropriate to spell out dot dot dot than the usual...ok then) "God's will," clear and concrete is one of those things that's eluded me for a good long time. How do you know for sure what it is God wants you to do with your life? Gosh...that's a hard question. Sometimes I feel like I'm following God, sometimes I "know"...but I don't think I've ever really known. Like if you asked me if i was 100% confident I was doing what God has called me to do...I wouldn't be able to say for sure. I've journeyed down this path of what I thought was God's leading...my intro to music ministry happened right out of high school as I interned with the music pastor at my church. Then I started leading worship at the campus ministry I was involved in. My church asked me to become their worship pastor. Another internship and three church plants later I arrive at Everett FBC. Isn't this what I'm supposed to be doing? Umm...I'm not sure. There are aspects of my current position that I enjoy...and others that I simply don't care for. I'm not an office person nor am I organized in the traditional sense. I'm not administrative, it chokes the life and happiness out of me. I like structure but not when it dominates and doesn't allow room for spontaneity and creativity. Other people live off this stuff. Me...not so much. People say I'm organic...whatever that means.
So where am I going with this? What I'm trying to say is that in trying to follow after God I think I've taken the "path of least resistance" approach. That is to say that when it comes to God's will, just give me an open door and I'll walk through it. Isn't this what you're supposed to do? Well...what I'm finding out is, no. It's not. God's will is more complicated, or is it more simple? See what I mean...no you don't and that's ok, I don't see what I mean. But what I mean to say is that I think it may be possible that God has something different in mind for my life. Not just my career but my life. I'm open to the possibility that a church staff environment is not for me...there are so many things that lie outside of my giftings and passions that I should just take a hint, and be ok with it, and determine that this, full-time ministry, isn't for me. I will always lead worship at any opportunity God gives (open door thing again) and will always be an artist in Christian community but I'm not wired for a church staff position like the one I'm currently in.
So I've identified what I'm not wired for and it's only taken me ten years, an amazing and wonderful ten years i might add. I don't have an ounce of regret for what I've done...at the same time I can't help but think of what I could've done. No time for that, though.
I think that I would like to be a teacher. Yes, this sounds good and noble. As I've been reflecting on my journey over the last ten years I see that there have been lots of opportunities for me to teach...with Northshore and Bellevue School Districts. Directing the Men's Chorus at Western, being principal in Wind Ensemble and Orchestra at UW and running sectionals. I teach as a part of choirs and orchestras that I lead. I've done a lot of this over the years and I'm just beginning to think that this is the path that God would have for me. I don't think I considered it as an option because I was always more into my Clarinet performance degree and then when I was getting serious about music ministry it just seemed more noble to go full-time into ministry. Yes...that's it...I thought that by being on staff at a church I could do more for the kingdom of God than if I were a symphony player or a band director. That sounds like a younger me, like what I would've thought seven, ten years ago. I don't anymore. I've grown up. Funny thing is (not ha ha funny just ironic) is that I don't think I could've come to this conclusion unless I had experienced all that I have, being involved in full-time ministry. These last few years in ministry have been so rewarding and fulfilling. I thank God that he has crossed our paths and that my family has had the opportunity to have our lives imprinted by FBC Everett. We've made many wonderful friends and served alongside devoted disciples. Have learned from wise christians and experienced love in deep ways. I appreciate deeply your willingness to let a young guy come in and do what he felt God was leading in and I'm excited about what God has in store for these coming years. I truly believe that for FBC these next years will be exciting and fruitful as God leads you on the great mission to build bridges into the Everett community.
I've only scratched the surface of what it means to be a follower of God and live a missional, incarnational life. Cause when you're paid to be holy you tend to focus a lot on what you're supposed to be doing, the task at hand. It's been easy to say, "I'm around God all day and talk about him a lot. Forty plus hours at the church seems like 'reasonable service'". I don't feel like I have to be as missional as say someone not being paid to be holy. I live with this dichotomy of "reasonable service" and the knowledge that there really is nothing reasonable about serving the Lord. God gave everything to me...if I'm going to be reasonable about it I need to give everything I have to him. So I'm going to leave church staff ministry in hopes of living a more incarnational and missional life.
I'm doing my best to discern if I'm running from a tough situation or if I'm getting a hold of what God has for me. I can say this for sure...this is not the easy way out. To go back to school to get my teaching certificate will kill me...I couldn't wait to get out of there. Life transitions are hard. Ministry is the only full-time job I've ever had...this is more than a little scary. So...do I feel like I'm following God's will for my life? I'll let you know in ten years.
Thank you to the Elders and the Staff of FBC for being so supportive and encouraging in our time here. Thank to the Worship Community for letting me lead over these last two years. You are amazing.
Love Ben, Sarah and Aria.